jordannnn26

I can't help but feel almost alienated from everything lately,
including myself. It's the kind of feeling I really only get when
I look at other peoples lives. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone
I have. It just almost feels like I'm away from myself lately, like
I'm not very sure of myself anymore and the type of person I am.
Maybe this is just growing up.

On a lighter note, summer has started. I'm not sure yet if I need to
go to summer school, but I'm hopeing I don't. Ashley does, and so does
Mary AND Emily. I went to providence and met Jamie. This kid Kel has been
talking to. I'm supossed to go to the beach this afternoon, but it looks
like a storm is coming in. I really need to get a new notebook journal
so I can legitly write my thoughts and feelings in it.

What is this? honestly?

i'm going to stop writing in my livejournal so much.
really, i just make a fool out of myself to the people who actually read this.
my thoughts are mine, just mine and my close friends.
hello spotted fold up journal.
oh, and hello summer.

school over for the most part, besides finals.
i hope i do good, or else it's summer school for me.
please tell me were not over, i honestly go crazy everyday.
i can't believe i was that stupid i didn't even show you.
you know who you are, because i told you.
it's summer, but its 50 degrees at my dad's right now.
i think it's just because of the waterrrrrrrr.
i had a great time down by the bay reading yesterday afternoon.
sunny/cloudy/warm ocean water/a great book is always the best.
i feel like sometimes, i have all these things built up in me that
i don't want to share. but it almost hurts not to!
there really is only one person i want to share with, but
its allllllwroonnnnnnnngg.
so happy you're not all around me all the time anymore, really.
i feel like i mention you to much, maybe it's something more.
fuckkk i hate when i do this.
i'm really, really sorry. you don't need this from me right now.
although, you did choose to read this soooo:


1. I feel like everything inside me can come out with my tears, everytime you lay next to me. It's like, you'd hold every drop of water in my body as long as it meant I was happy. And I can't even think of the words I want to say to describe how much I apreciate that.

2. I have to say, I don't think I laugh harder with anyone else. You go through a lot, and sometimes you don't know how to handle it on your own. Well, I'll help to teach you, and hold you when your unhappy.

3. This will probably be longer than anyone elses, but thats okay. I shouldn't write this on here for anyone lurking to read. Oh well. I can honestly say I have NEVER in my life met anyone like you. I've never been able to say that before, because my whole life I grew up around a group of kids who were all the same, and worried about the stupidest things. You're so genuine. You're so perfect. You're so beautiful. I'm over my head right now, and I know that. Deeeeeep down in the ocean, and your above the sea. I've never believed it could happen this way, or would. But it has, and I'm so numb. I can't do anything more but regret. I can't put this weight on your shoulders, your so fragile but strong at the same time. I'm nervous to put anything else into your mind. I'm not sure if I'm welcome. And I'm not quite sure if it's right for me to want to be there. But I do. All I keep saying is BUT BUT BUT, well.. I think I need to write the rest somewhere else.

4. Be happy, because you have a lot to be happy about! Things are getting mighty hard for you. I can see it through your fake smiles. Just think about how much my, and others hearts are for you. I don't think you see. You seem scared. I'm scared that your scared of me. I love you.

5. I could vent and ramble on about how much I can't stand you, except I'm not going to waste any of my life on you besides the few curtosy moments I am to type this. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF. I hope your fucking happy.

6. Pleaaaasseee be great. I've prayed to much to be let down now.

I love you.
I don't know how on earth to say this to you, although I basically already have.
People remain the same even when others change, and its usually the drifters who get the better end.
I wonder why everything can just fall apart but you can still hold on.
I try to imagine if I had nothing, and I mean nothing. No one, no place, anyone to give me a minute of their time.
I wonder if I'd make it?
All I need.
Happiness
A few tears
Kisses on the forehead
Thunder storms
Sunscreen and
my four best friends.




I can't get this back, even if I try with all my heart.
I wish I was different, and showed you the real me.
Intimidated, thats what you made me feel.
why?
I have no clue. But I just want to share so much with you, I wish I could do everything over again.
That, as we all know is not possible though. So all I can do is watch and see you happy.
It's like a habit, these days.
Tolookbutdon'ttalk.
I WANT TO FUCKING SPEAK, I want to share all these things that are in my head...
e v e r y s e c o n d.
why is it always so silent.
why am I always so silent.
i'd tell you everything, i want you to make me laugh like you used to.
make my abilities and heart be able to capture your's once more, just one night, one more turn.




I miss my dad, once again.

89 degrees. what is this?
I was in jeans and a sweatshirt yesterday.
Boooo global warming. Who knows, I don't even understand
But props to the girls selling brownies outside honey dew.
and Mary-Kate Carney is a ridiculous sleeper.
I'm going to the beach today, I'm pretty excited. It's so nice!
Hello sunburn for sure, lets just hope Emily is okay.
My mom is planting some new flowers out front. She likes them
a whole lot, and I like watching her do it.
Were convinced my house is haunted. Especially Kelly's room and the basement stairs :/.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.
Summer starts in 5 days.

all i have to say is,
what the hell is wrong with me today.

Why does it always seem that the most fun you have,
it's not supossed to happen in the rule book?
hmm..



I want to get to know you, please. You seem interesting.
Also, It's probably going to get disgusting the amount of time I will be spending with a few people this summer. I'm so ready I can't think of anything else...


well almost anything else.

Kelly is getting her meds increased, maybe then she can sing again with me.
Or even talk to me at that.

blinding lights.
my friends are all i need.
conor oberst is the only boy who will have my heart,
for a long time.
mary and ashley and i hung out today, it was great.
we found some dead alligators and stuff in the abandoned
hallway at school. and tomorrow is hopefully going to be great.
me and kevin are no longer dating.
i miss my dad.

remember me when your with them.
and think about me when i'm not there,
because i'm definiatly think of you.


i want to dye my hair, i'm really sick of this blonde and black.
and friday i hope works out because i'm really looking forward to it.
i want to spend a lot of time with kevin, i hope it happens a lot in the summer.
when schools out, except he has a job. i hope he doesn't work to much :x.
it's okay though, because he's wanted one for so long so its good.
i've been searching and i can't find any.
me and chad are getting closer,
i'm drifting from others, huge dead. only not really.
i'm happy!
and i love my friends a lot.

i'm so excited for tomorrow through monday.
camping!
you don't even know!
i had a great afternoon with mary liz kel and kevin.
we are just rediculous in royal panda.
kev's got a cold and it makes everything funnier.
best impersonations and cudding with kevins great as always.
i love my life right now.
<3 hope you all have a nice memorial day weekenndddd.

whats up with this lately?
i'm happy, but no one else is.
it seems like whenever everything seems GREAT, its really terrible.
maybe i need to open my eyes a little more.

HAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA,
honestly.
that is all i have to say.
and today was great.
and tomorrow will be too!

I have so much love for the people in my life.
I'm in love with them all and everything about them.
Flaws? Of course. It's part of them.
I try to see the best in people, and not concentrate my love,
on the bad.

i.
love.
you.

I don't think I've heard those words spoken with great meaning many times before.
When I do, a smile usually crawls across my face. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just sit there with a
dead stare.

It's because I'm thinking.
INSIDE ME NOT OUT.


I love when I get late night crying phone calls, that end in laughter or at least make the tears dry up.
I love when I sit alone in my room, and just read the thoughts of others to see if maybe, I'm involved.
I love the face my sister had when she came to get me from my friends, that afternoon they said she would learn once again.

[the sun is the most beautiful thing I've seen] why? Theres not one person whose never looked at it before. I'm sharing my sun with everyone there is to share with.

I can't stand when people give satisfactory hugs, or kisses.
Please, tell me this.
Would you be happy with that as your last goodbye?
I wouldn't.

Passion is all anyone needs to be happy.
Love for yourself is the only thing that can always stay constant.
Let me tell you, I'd have to say my heart has grown
five-times-to-big for my own chest.
I don't share it all the time, but when I do I can feel it.
I hope you can to.
I'm falling in love all over again.
With everything infront of my eyes.
My eyes need to become bigger, so I can see more of you.
But thats not possible at this point.
So, I'll just fall in love with each square inch of you until I've absorbed the whole thing.
Hangnails and all.

Today's so dreary.
Everyones so dreary.
Well, who I talked to. It's okay though,
theres only 5 1/2 weeks left till summer.
this one will be the best yet, i can tell.
kevinmakesmesohappy<3
and tomorrow i'm hanging out with ash and mary!
hot chocolate the hills blankets and textin'
kevin is all i wanna do this afternoon.
oh, and my history project on Conor Oberst. It'll be gooooood.

Love is everywhere, you cannot get away from it even if sometimes you'd like to.
I'm really happy with how things are going right now, with a few exceptions.
Aren't there always though?
Summer nights need to be tonight, and tomorrow and Saturday I hope go well!
B+ please come for me in english, please?!

I can't wait until all I do is snuggle up with my best friends and kevin forever and ever and ever. And go to the city and stay out late next to the river, and go to the beach. And sleep in tents and stay up all night long, and I am growing more impatient each day. I hope my exitement isn't let down once school is out. Which really, I've not been paying attention too. I'm to distracted

What has happened. I don't understand how people can say these types of things to other people. Of course I have before in my life, before I fully understood what the insults meant, and well honestly didn't care. But I have developed respect. And I really am tired of complaining all the time. I shouldn't feel the need, at least I don't think I should. I have been getting more independent lately, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact I'm afraid to said half the things I want, or just would rather distinguish them myself than let other people put their thoughts and opinions scratching up what I already view something as. Although it's good sometimes to see others opinions, it's also important to have your own. I have learned that a lot this year, and seeing how much some things in my life have changed, I think if I was still the same person I went into high school as, I would probably not be able to handle my life right now, or just be completely in depression. I just for once want to have a conversation that never seems to want to end. To see if I'm the only one or not.

Such a good day. Liz and I hung out for a little and gave eachother rediculous makeovers. Kevin came and we walked to dunkin and met up with Kel and Mike. Insane amount of laughing, holding hands<3 and needing to pee really bad. Kevin makes me so happy, and makes me laugh more than anyone else can. I hope tomorrows good. Me and Liz are getting close again, I missed her. I wanna see more of Mary and Ashley. I will tuesday. And Emily when shes off groundment.



:)

Let's just say, I wish I slept at Emily's.
And I was still "in" with everyone.
And me kelly kevin and liz have the worst sense of humor.
And I miss emily a lot!!!
And Ashley and Mary couldn't hang out friday thanks to 8 mile.
My new phones coming in next week, finally.
I need a new camera and a job and more $$$$$.
I say to much and get shit for it..even though it's just the truth.
I have the choice of school in North Carolina next year.
I don't know what I want to do, depends on how this year and summer go.
Kevin<3
Me and Kelly are best friends again!

thherrre